Random .....

At times you are happy, happy without a reason. This is my present state of mind, I am exulted by life and feel like dancing to the tunes of the song I am listening to, “aye kaash ki hum hosh mein ab aane na paye”.

I am in love!
I know a lot of my friends will have their brain cells wandering and puzzled up, after having glanced through this sentence .Yes, i have been in love for all these days spent on this wonderful planet. I have been in love with MY LIFE! It has been a long time now, and I love it so much that the thought of losing it is dreaded. It may be a funny reason, or a childish fear, to see the dogs fighting on the streets way back home, and imagining them coming to me and scratching me all over till my last flesh (am dog phobic), or crossing the busy traffic and imagining that the speedy cars would come and hit me to throw me away and take away my life from me, but the thought of saying a good bye to my very existence is terrifying.

LIFE has given me failures, it has given me worries, dissapointments, it has been quite thorny many a times, at times it has made me douse my belief in the almighty, but of all the things, it has made me a wonderful person. I owe it a lot more than just nagging and cursing ,it has along with all the thorns given me the best of the roses . It feels great to have been bestowed with a beautiful sense of vision, to look at the vast sky and see myself flying like a free bird, to look at the serene sea and feel the waves playing a game of hide and seek with me, see lovely birds whispering the songs of love in my ears and of all a vision to sense the attachment towards me, of my family, my dear ones. It has blessed me with a sense to enjoy the mystifying smell of earth after the first rain, listen to the chirping of birds at the break of dawn, speak my mind and tell my dear ones, how much do they mean to me. It has taught me the meaning to live, the very essence of existence on this earth.

As I proceed further with this writing, a wave of nostalgia hits me, and as i peep into the past years, life seems to be a story with all its ups and downs, innocence and wildness, knowledge and naivety. Probably, what i am going to write is vague, is random, by the time i reach the end of this post, the content will be a surprise for me. It’s an inexplicable euphoria built around.

Going back to the days when I was three, I got my little living toy, my brother, I don’t remember, but Maa says, I envied my friend Ranu, who had a little brother and would often request her " mummy please mere liye bhi ek chota babu la dijiye dukaan se", and the day he was there, I was so eager and proud to show him to the world, having become a “didi” was so delightful. It was not long enough, when my innocent dialogues changed to " maa please is babu ko vapis kar kar dusra babu le aaiye”, for he snatched all my toys, ate all my chocolates , and bugged me for taking him along for playing. Till date he is the same bugging little toy and having been fought with him to an extent to be awarded with martial arts certificate, I love him for being my sweetest brother. While he was the little toy for me, I was the sweet little doll for my two “didi's”, the baby elephant when I was born. They pampered me to an extent that, I have become extremely possessive about them. I remember taking away all their toys, gifts, the largest bite of most delicious food from their plates, their pocket money and the best of their dresses, I now envy the real little doll in her life, my niece. Hehehe..... Life gave me the best siblings to cherish all the moments spent with them all my life.

Those innocent days, were truly the best of the best days of my life. Things were simple and the whole life was merely a game of, going to school, coming back, eating, playing and sleeping. The summer vacations were to visit village to meet 'baba and aaji' ,to attend 'chacha or' bua's marriage, learn Bhojpuri from the kids there, and go playing in the farms, take bath in tube well, eat 'ganna from 'khet”, roam all day long with bunch of cousins in the scorching heat of sun and explore the whole village life with those innocent inquisitiveness. The other destination for the vacations would be 'nanaji's place, to experience the hustle and bustle of the Capital. I would get amazed seeing those huge buildings and the underground shops, Tajmahal, Fatehpur Sikri, Lal kila, appu ghar, palika bazaar .It was interesting to get introduced to so many other " just like nanaji’s " and touch their feet to get that aashirwad “beta khoob padho likho, aage badho” kind of stuff, to meet all our cousins, discuss the grades at school and the latest dance steps, the new bicycles and the new games.

Home, school and playground constituted the whole world around. Mom was there to tell stories and sing lullabies, to give good food and scold for not taking bath, for playing too long and for all the small mischief’s. Dad was the strongest and most knowledgeable person, he was there with his mind baffling questions to make us think, why cannot a man dig a tunnel in earth from north to south and jump down from one country to other (the concept of SHM, was still not there in our lives), he was there to drive us to the “Melas, and get the new pencil box and new games. A packet of new color pencils, or a box full of chocolates where the best things in life. Drawing work and craft works, maths doubts where for Di to do, when I got tired after the evening tamasha” in the playground and slept without doing my HW.

A little of those innocent years shed away and the adolescent days sprouted.Maa was there to torture for waking me early to study, papa would scold me for coming home after it was dark ,as if I didn’t have sense to get up and study and come home early, ufff every one seemed to be crazy. My little lock and key diary would be full of complains, “Today papa scolded me, today mummy scolded me" and a lot many similar kind of stuff, showing a rebellious nature. Till date, that diary is a source of entertainment for every one at home. A bit of Holden Caulfield's story in Catcher in the Rye was something to be related to. Those years slowly faded away bringing in a more sensible phase, making me think about a career, dream about big things in life, of becoming an engineer, an IAS and what not. Then came college days, away from home, it was time to take the first lesson of life, of thinking and learning from life, all independently. Mummy papa were not there to listen to the woes, mobile phone was not so common. I learnt to write letters and pour down all my feelings, the letter writing lessons taught at school was put into practical usage. It’s funny to read those letters now. It was a time to get to know people, make friends, friends for a lifetime, i was lucky enough to experience the feeling of true friendship. College transition was like suddenly changing from a growing flower to the one that has blossomed, after bearing the rain, the sun, the chilly winters and the beautiful spring, finally standing upright, ready to face the wind with all its might. Engineering was a nuisance, 4 years of holiday,4 years of fun, graduating from Sidney Sheldon to Ayn Rand and then Franz Kafka and more, although the Theraja concepts and the circuit diagrams, transmission lines were like,” uhhhhhh hatao yaar”, the knowledge about novels ,movies, latest hits needed to be updated regularly... then came campus recruitments and naukri “, finally I am here , sitting in my PG , after a long day at office ,writing this blog,remembering the long journey.

Since childhood till date, life has been such a beautiful experience. It feels good to recollect the whole experience of living and think about a lot many beautiful experiences still on their way to reach me, to look around and feel the beauty of nature, listen to a romantic song and fantasize about that special someone, to go home after a long time and feel the warmth of being loved so much , to gossip whole night with siblings, freak out, laugh endlessly without a reason, become philosophical in solitude, to sing aloud, to dance madly, go to temple and get the feeling that God is just going to fulfill all my wishes, get disappointed over failures, brood over for sometime and then get motivated to make another venture. Feel proud of being myself, give a way to my mind to think of the craziest things, and do the craziest things.

Life is actually ecstatic and I am truly, so much in love with it. A mystery added to it gives all the more an X factor to the mystifying experience, the mystery of getting back to become that same vibrant person after a long experience of guilt, of melancholy. The state of mind changing so mysteriously is intriguing. . Cursing life, fighting with it, fighting for it, loving it, cherishing it and then finally getting wrapped around in its arms and feeling the warmth of my presence is living, living a life.